Dear stuckinsea
 
I don't really know how to tell you this, but your nostrils are insulting.  
I think I realized it when your dog ran amok in  your apartment and I saw you carve your initials into Manchester United's goalkeeper.  
I'm sure you're ashamed enough to understand how awful I've felt.
I'm returning your memories from the military service to you, but I'll keep your left ear as a memory.
You should also know that I told in my confession today about cocaine abuse.
Good Luck on your short-term leave from jail.
thrace_adams